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Song title: Half Man Half Biscuit - Surging Out Of Convalescence

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Darts in soap operas, oh, so wrong, oh so wrong
No-oneâ€™s scoring and thereâ€™s too much chat between each throw
Worse than this though is when cheers are raised for the bull
Granted, bullâ€™s a double and an out, but I know that they donâ€™t
Know, therefore
I propose
No Soap Darts

Is your child hyperactive, or is he perhaps a twat?
Sometimes I like to watch Wave Rage down on Fistral Beach
Last Ash Wednesday I had tantric sex and it was shit
Next Ash Wednesday I might strive to lick my elbow
Strive in vain
For they say
Few succeed

I wrote to the Horse & Hounds
To gloat over what Iâ€™d done
I stored their magazine in a data retrieval system
Letâ€™s face it, whatâ€™re they going to do?
Itâ€™s not as if they know where I live
And anyway I cut that caper back in 1984
Heartbroken matrons
On joyless beds
For those whose souls the iron has entered
And if I get to Heavenâ€™s gate
Iâ€™ll doubtless have to wait
While St Peter investigates the inevitable asterisk
The inside of a Halex Three-Star table-tennis ball
Smells much like youâ€™d expect it to