Adam Kay - Snippets Lyrics
I can't tie my lacesI don't play the fluteMy car is an automaticI can't paint my nailsI never applaudI'm not very good at TwisterAnd when my laptop crashesI can't even press control-alt-deleteCos I've got one handHello can I speak to an emergency physician?I have here a patient in a terrible conditionHe's vomiting up blood and he'll soon need a morticianHaematemesisBleurghLook at your skin, look at its off-white hue,Look at your eyeballs too,They've gone all yellowYou came to me, you thought you had the flu.I knew that wasn't true.You wouldn't be yellowWe took some blood off youThat's just a thing we doTo folks who turn yellowYou're yellow like the desert in damascus isYou're yellow cos your liver has metastasesDo you know you're really f**cked you knowYou're really f**ked you knowI would jog and I'd start rowing,Every day you'd see me going to the park and to the gymI'd go drinking in the pub and every evening I'd go clubbingIf I only had some limbsI would learn to play the trumpetCos just sitting on my stump it tends to make my life quite grimI'm content but I'd be more so if I wasn't just a torsoIf I only had some limbsOh I just sit and cry, a quadruple amputeeI just hang around all day and watch TVBut that's the life of quadrapleg-icsI'd play cards and I'd play scrabble,Not just spend my days imagining a life where I had shinsCos I've never had a date, hell I can't even masturbateOh if I only had some limbsHow can you just walk away from here?How rude can a doctor be?You're the orthopaedic registrar and we've been here since 3You're the only one that we've been waiting forSo take a look at my nanI think she's got a broken hipWe found her in the bathroom on the floorYou know I think she must have slippedTake a look at my nanThe casualty doctor statedOne leg is shorter than the otherAnd it's externally rotatedWell take a look at my nanDon't you know how long we've waited?And if you can't fix her, then DNRAnd can we have her cremated?I'm pushing 83 and the trust are telling me to retireI never take a history or consentMy post-op survival rate should be higherIn fact it's only 6 per centWe work at Denmark Hill for the terminally ill patientsBut they're relatively well when they arriveCos I invent my own operationsAnd I'm the only one who leaves theatre aliveWe're consultants, we're consultants at King'sWe're consultants at King'sDo you feel any better?Or do you feel the same?We've done your operation nowAnd you've just yourself to blameNow you've got 1 lung, 1 eye,1 knee below your 1 thighWe've removed your left hand sideAnd you're all right nowI get in the wayI don't know what to do or sayBut I go in night and dayVainly hoping someone will teach meThey say not todayPractice taking blood, okayMe on take (Me on take)Me on take (Me on take)Me on takeTake me home
